Faery
Everything shone like it was lit from within. Every few steps I wanted to stop and inspect something. A bunch of garnet-colored flowers swayed even though there was no wind, as though slow-dancing to some melody that I just couldn’t hear. Bright, white light streamed from two suns, one low and one hanging high in a soft pink, cloudless sky.
The air was heavy with a wild mixture of strange, fruity aromas and almost no breeze. My mouth watered as I imagined a plump, burgundy fruit, so full of sweet juice that it dripped from my chin with every bite. A gurgle drew my attention to a small brook flowing with water the deep orange color of sunset back home.
A long line of tiny birds, the size and color of golf balls, marched like ants, high among the feathery, lavender leaves of a tree. When the small leader opened its beak, the tinkling sound of bells erupted and every single bird in line stopped frozen. If I hadn’t just seen them moving with my own eyes, I would have sworn they were concrete statues.
A little farther along, I came to an odd looking tree. The stiff, navy branches seemed to be slotted. As I stood bewildered, a light wind blew through the slots. Suddenly, strange music filled the air and small, furry animals the same cerulean blue as the grass darted around beneath the branches, snatching falling seeds as soon as they touched the ground.
I spun around with my arms outspread, surrounded by wildflowers in every color of the rainbow, trying to take it all in at once. There was such a feeling of peace as I took a deep breath and a smile stretched across my face.
I appreciate any and all feedback, even (especially) if you think it sucks, but only if you tell me why you think it sucks. Let me know!! I can't wait to hear from you guys. Interaction is what this life is all about!!
8 comments:
Ohh, the sensations you left me feeling here!! It's like Dr. Seuss and Tim Burton collided (and that's a huge compliment) and this is the result. All these bright colors and differences between our world and this are so much like the Wonderland I see in my head.
I willl admit that your yellow stream makes me think of pee, so that could be a downside. Perhaps adding in a descriptive word like "pastel" or a different description than the color of the sun would help create a better image in my head.
I love the lavender and navy blue trees against a pink sky and cerulean blue ground. I love the statuesque birds. You stretched my (very active) imagination to fantastic lengths with the sheer breathtaking beauty of this piece. These very details, if this was the only portion of your book I read in a bookstore, would make me buy this book.
Faery sounds like a truly magical place that I want to see! You did a wonderful job creating a picture of it in my mind. The only thing I found distracting was your descriptions of the wind. I don't know why and maybe I'm just being stupid, but you refer to it 3 different times and same something different about it each time. LOL Like I said, maybe it's just me being picky, because you did a truly amazing job! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Thank you for such wonderful compliments!! It never occurred to me that my stream ran with urine, ugh! Changed it!! Hope this sounds better. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, it is truly appreciated!!
Thanks for stopping by to read and leave a comment! I love feedback!!
You're right about the wind. I referred to it three times with, "no wind", "almost no breeze", and "a light wind". I was trying to imply that there is usually no wind or almost no breeze, but that every now and then a light wind does blow through. I was trying to show the wind as variable, instead of consistent, in the hopes that it would seem more realistic, since this is described as the narrator walks through this new world, discovering new things, and not just a snapshot description. I see how that can be a little confusing though, and am glad you pointed it out. I'll have to think about it and see if I can come up a way to convey the nature of the wind more clearly.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, so glad you liked it!!
My imagination is insanely in love with this scene. Where is Faery and when can I visit it so I can experience this for myself?! It was like cotton candy coming to life--and I LOVE cotton candy! I also love the line, "garnet-colored flowers swayed even though there was no wind, as though slow-dancing to some melody I just couldn't hear." Excellent job!
Thanks, Donna!! So glad you could stop by and leave a comment! I'll let you know when I get the novel published and you can visit Faery anytime you like. ;)
Maybe use something such as "an infrequent zephyr danced past me"... Though, to me, the wind wasn't a problem at all, since it seems to come and go in a breath's time here at our house (and not lightly either). The colors of the place...wow.
The only issue I actually have? It started a bit slow. I would have gotten right to the unique descriptions rather than the last two sentences of the first paragraph.
Just my $.02, and you should never change anything if you don't feel comfortable doing so.
Thanks, Kymele! So glad you could stop by and read!
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